I went to the doctor's office a few days ago for a routine psychiatric examination.
I hate psychiatrist's!! My disability is massive brain trauma (I'm missing 1/4 of my brain; no exaggeration). What I need is a neurologist, not a psychiatrist. But, Colorado Medicaid sent me to see this dude so he could examine the inner working of my thought processes.
He asked me questions and gave me an exam where he asked me questions which I had to answer. Whatever he did to me, stressed my mind out so much that, I had several seizures, lost 3 weeks of memory, and nearly dropped into complete autism.
Now memory loss is a regular symptom for me... I awake in the morning with no clue who I am, where I am, what I'm supposed to be doing. I forget things at the drop of a hat, sometimes completely losing recent memories that happened only seconds before. However, with time, I can eventually retrieve those memories (although there's a good chance I'll lose them again). But losing three weeks at a time, and not being able to get them back is hard to take...
Yes, I know it sounds a lot like 50 First Dates (I hate that movie; it hits way too close to home for me).
Despite what many of you are probably thinking now, what really scares me is not the disability. I live with this memory loss every day; there's no reason to be scared of it. I'm scared that I might be losing touch with myself, with my core personality and who I am sometimes, and it is depressing not knowing who you are. But what really scares me are the doctors I have to see. I'm trying to find a doctor who will write me a letter that says I'm disabled and explains the reasons I cannot work. A single letter is all I need to win my case against both Medicaid, and Social Security. But these idiot doctors won't do it. The psychiatrist I went o see said quite clearly, "Well, it's obvious that he's disabled and will never be able to work in a normal field ever again." When I asked him to put that in writing, he wouldn't. He wants to run more tests, get a second opinion (although by this time I've seen HUNDREDS of doctors).
What scares me the most about being disabled is this guinea pig mentality of the doctors. They see me, they certify me disabled, but they want to study me OVER and OVER and OVER again, so instead of writing the letter I so desperately need, the refer me to another doctor or tell me to come and see them again.
I have been written up in so many medical magazines, including the Journal of the American Medical Association, by doctors who are using my case and various treatments they implemented in my case to make themselves famous. But they don't know when to stop and say, "Okay I'm famous enough. Let's get this kid some help."
Now you know why I'm sick of doctors. But unfortuanetly, it looks like I'm going to be a guinea pig for the rest of my life...
